Call Me Irresponsible
by Young Dumb and Heartbroken
Summary: Meredith's life was turned upsides down when here husband of seven year lost his battle with cancer. When a young Neuro fellow, Dr. Shepard, helps comfort her. Will she begin to get over her hurt from her husband, and allow herself to fall for him. Summery sucks. Just read it.
1. Chapter 1

_The old wooden cherry floors creaked underneath our feet, as he spun me around from the living room to our kitchen. My heels lightly scuffing up his dress shoes. My skirt was now flying up in big circles. His grin was as big as Dallas, as my laugher filled the room. Our song, call me irresponsible, echoed thought our small house. I could not imagine being anywhere else. "you know babe, we should go out dancing more!" I rested my head on his shoulder still laughing. _

_ "No way!" I said in between my laughter, "There is no way I will every dance in front of other people!" He looked down at me with his famous smile. _

_ "You deserve to be shown off." And just like that he had me in a daze, like a love sick school girl. He dipped me down and planted a soft kiss on my lips. As he pulled me up the kiss intensified, it felt like our wedding night. It was a great night. _

* * *

"Charge to three hundred!" The doctor leans over his body with the paddles hovering over his chest. "Clear!" He pushed them down, Jakes body jolted. I stood in shock. The cancer had taken him over, and now it was taking his life. He still had a flat line. "Charge to three fifty!" The same procedure went out, no rhythm of his heart was detected. This went on twice more, then they called it. "Time of death, 11:26 am." I slumped to the ground. I had know Jake since my freshman year of high school. We had been together for 11 year, and married for seven. Now all of that was gone. My life, ended the second his heart gave out. The doctor gave me there respects, told me he was out of his suffering. They said he's in a better place, where he'll never be in pain again. The Neuro fellow came over to me also, his name was Dr. Shepard. He had been on Jakes cases since he was diagnosed three years ago. He was always nice to talk to when Jake was asleep, and he never hid the truth he always told me what was really going on. With me being in med school it help out know what to expect. He sat down in the waiting room chair with me.

"It's all bull shit." He said as he stared in the empty space before them. "This is all just bull shit. He should have been okay. All his mets were gone. His stats were good. He's chemo was going great. And now... And now-"

"He's dead." I finished the sentence for him. "It is just bull shit." My head slumped down on his shoulder. "It's just not fair. We had a life, full of love and happiness, and he just dies. I did not ever give him permission to give up and die. When did that become okay?" The tears finely came out.

"Come one, lets go some where more privet." He took me to an on call room, he sat down on the bed with me as I curled under the covers. The sobs came out now. All my composure was gone. He laid down beside me. A hand rested on my arm. My body shook with the sobs, "it's okay. Let it out." He said, I think he laid there with me for at least thirty minutes. He was always more of a friend then a doctor. then it came to me. I couldn't go home, not with all of his things there. I sat up in the bed and composed myself.

"Thank you Derek, but I have to call our family and make arrangement to stay somewhere for a few nights. I'll see you at the funeral." I slid on my shoes and stood up.

"If you need anything, food, water, or even just company, don't hesitate to call. Okay Mer?" I nodded and opened up the door and left. The walk down the hall was just agonizing. Jake and I had a memory just about everywhere in the hospital. Every where I turned there was always something there to remind me of him. It was torture.

* * *

_"I've got you, under my skin. I've got you deep in the heart if me. So deep in my heart that your really a part of me I've got you under my skin." His deep voice rang though the halls as he sang along to his hand held radio. The nurses used to ask us to keep it down, until he pulled the dying cancer patient card. Of course I did not condone his behavior, but I should did enjoy his voice. The thought that I may never hear him sing again... So I made him sing all the time. _

"Mrs. Rodgers, are you okay? Do I need to help you to Jakes room?" I looked up and saw nurse Olivia. I guess I must have just been stating here.

"Oh, I'm sorry Olivia. I just was going home. I don't know what just came over me." Her face had a questionable look upon it. "Olivia, are you okay?" She nodded her head and her look disappeared.

"I'm just fine, but you don't need to leave, you just got here. I'm sure I can send someone to get what you need." I put my hand on her shoulder, and shook my head.

"I'll be just fine." I gave he a small smile, and continued on my path to the exit of the hospital. I needed to collect Jakes thing but that would have to wait for later. I need to get out of there. My pace picked up once the elevator were in my line of sight. It was so strange leaving the place where we had spent our last few months together. Soon his room would be clean. The sheets washed, all our belongings gone. All the traces of him would be gone. Just like that. Almost as if he never existed. Soon all the doctor would forget him too. His face would leave there memory, I would no long step foot in here. Jake would be nothing but a body in the morgue to them. He was really gone this time.

The out side of the hospital was freezing. I had forgotten that Christmas was almost here. I raced to the car in the parking garage and got in. I cranked in the heater and just sat. I had nothing to do other then to sit. My life, my reason for breathing, died.


	2. Chapter 2

**_Authors note: _**

**_the flash back are in italics, and reviews are welcome. Good or bad. _**

**_Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from Grey's anatomy or any songs used thought out the story. _**

**_Thanks_**

* * *

**_Six month later_**

I rolled over and saw the alarm clock. The red digital numbers read out 1:46 pm. I chalked up today to another sleep day. Ever since I graduated med school, and since Jake... Well since he decided to just go ahead and die, I've had everyday just be a sleep day. I rolled over to his side of the bed, his sent still lingered on his pillow. I just felt like never getting up again. I heard a scraping noise at the front door, along with a few murmured cruse words. Christina must have arrived. "IT'S OPEN!" I hollered. She opened the door with ease.

"Mer? Where are you?" She asked after I heard the door shut.

"Bed." She already knew, I guess she asked in hope that I would have moved to the couch. I guess that would be an improvement...

She stood in my door frame. One I her hands rested upon her hip, the other was full of mail. "Scoot your ass over." I did as I was told. I left room on my side for her. She planted herself down, removed her shoes, and swung her legs over on the bed. She threw a stack of letters in my lap. "Mer. How many places did you apply to?" I looked at her blankly

"Any program that was out side of New York." She nodded. "We'll it looks like I may have gotten an internship." She laughed

"They would have to be an idiot to not accept Ellis Grey's daughter!" She laughed again. She knew I hated being know as that. All it brought was pressure. Everyone expected me to be a cold heartless surgeon, just like her. After I got married, she quit talking to me. She said I wasn't worth her time, I could never live to be extraordinary. She told me I was just like my father extra ordinary. Ever since then we cut all ties. She didn't even bother to come to our wedding which I really didn't mind. All she would have done was make it all about her.

"Christina, did you get any acceptance letter yet?" She nodded

"Mass Gen, Seattle Grace, Herman, and mayo. You?" All of those top hospital just rolled out of her mouth almost like it was nothing. Just like the top four hospitals in the country just accepted you to be a part of there program and that nothing big at all. I on the other hand one got one major hospital.

"Seattle grace, Methodist, John Hopkins, UTMB." She smiled. What could have made her so happy.

"We are moving to Seattle!" Then it hit me we both had Seattle Grace!

"Oh my gosh! Christina! WE GOT IN TO THE NUMBER ONE HOSPITAL!"no jumped out of bed, and ran to my phone and pressed I'm Jakes number.

"Mer, who are you calling?" Then I remembered...

"Oh nobody! Come one let's get dress and go celebrate!"

* * *

_ "Jake! Jake! I got in! I'm going to Colombia!" My acceptance letter for med school arrived in my mail this morning. I was officially on my path to becoming a surgeon! He ran in to the room and wrapped me up in a bear hug. He lifted me up with my feet dangling in the air. He spun me around a few times and then let me down, his arms just loosing, never actually letting go of me. _

_ "That is amazing babe! This calls for a celebration, which includes tequila and you naked!" He laughed again and placed a soft kiss on my smiling lips. "How about we start this evening out at Manny's!?" I nodded _

_ "Sounds great!" We walked out of our small ,house hand and hand, down the street to our favorite bar. _

* * *

"DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!" The crowed shouted as I down the bottle of tequila. Once I reached the bottom I hopped off the bar. Cheers came from those who saw. All of them probably wondering how I didn't fall off the bar. I walked just a little and fell on some one. He smiled down at me. I tried to lift my self off him but I was too unstable. "Well hi bud. I think I'm stuck here." I'm sure my words were somewhat slurred, after all I had jut downed some strong intoxicants.

"Hey, I'm Finn. How about I call you a cab?" He smiled down at me. He had a very charming smile. Then I remembered I came with Christina.

"No!" I shouted, "I must find Christina!" He nodded and sat me down at a table. Before I knew it he was on the table. He cupped his hands around his mouth an yelled "Has any one seen Christina?" And before I knew she was in front of me.

"Mer, what did you do this time?" She looked up at Finn, "She didn't try and sleep with you or anything yet?"

"Well I was just about to when you showed up!" I exclaimed, I thought it was hilarious. Christina not so much.

"No she just asked for you. I offered to hail her a cab, but she said she needed you." Finn to the fun out it! Christina nodded.

"Well thanks for not doing anything with her." She garbed me by the arm and yanked me out of the bar. I could tell by her face that I was going to get yelled at. I know I was drinking for the wrong reasons but I needed a release, and drinking was a real nice release.

"Finn. I need to talk to him." She just looked at Me like I was an idiot.

"You just drunk. You want Jake not Finn." I shook my head.

"Not true! I like him! Nice kid." She didn't even look at me.

"Mer. Shut. Up." I did as told and walked home with Christina silently. We soon reached my apartment. Once we entered in I ran to my restroom. The tequila had finely found its home. My toilet. Once I was finished I could not crying. Christina ran in. "Jake! I need Jake!" I said in between my sobs. She laid Down beside me on the floor.

"I know. I know." She rubbed my back as I continued crying. "I know Mer. It will get easier. I promise. It does get easier."


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N: thanks for reading. Reviews are welcome. Good or bad.  
Disclaimer: I own nothing.**_

* * *

It was the first day of my internship. I was back home, Seattle Grace. I was born and raised here. My mother never left here, this hospital was more important to her then anything, including me. For once since Jake's death I felt almost happy. I was going to save people, people like him. I was going to save the families pain and suffering like I went though. I was here to stop pain, to fix the broken, to ease any suffering, and stop all the loss. I was going to save lives. We were all put on services of different residences, luckily me and Christina were both put on the same one. They called her the Nazi, she was the most terrifying resident there ever was. She expected you to always be on your toes. Christina loved her, but I really didn't. She reminded me too much of my mother.

Once we all divided we were put on different attendings services. I was requested by a Doctor Shepard. I found it very strange that a Doctor was already requesting me.

"Dr. Grey! Long time since I've seen you!" I turned around on my heels and a pair of Piercing blue eyes stared right back at me. It felt like a life time since I've seen those eyes.

"Dr. Shepard! I thought you were still practice in New York, what brought you all the way here to Seattle?" It was rather odd to see him here. He had a very successful practice up in New York last time I heard.

"Well I just needed something different, and what would be better then the number one trauma center in the world? And now I get to see you every day!" I had been very different not seeing him every day. I did miss our conversations. "How have you been by the way. I think the last time we spoke was the funeral." I looked down at my feet, a little ashamed. The night of the funeral was one of those nights that you wish you could forget, but you can't make yourself do that.

* * *

_I felt so guilty. I was living out the rest of my life and Jake couldn't. He was lying in his coffin and I was just supposed to move on with my life. Tears began to run down my face, and a warm hand wrapped around mine. "Mer, lets go get some fresh air." I looked up to whom the hand belonged to, and no one other Dr. Shepard. I nodded my head and followed him out. The ground was covered in snow, the sky was gray with dark clouds hanging around. Even God knew it was a horrible day. I followed him to the back of the building. There was no one there to see us. It felt nice not being watched._

_Derek let go of my hand and brought it to my face. The warmness of his hand felt wonderful on my cold face, I looked in to his eyes. They were always a happy bright sky blue but today they were almost grey, just like the sky. He was hurting just as much as me. "Mer, talk to me. Please. You need help and I'm here for you." I did the worst thing I could do. I kissed him. I crash upon his warm lips like waves on a sandy beach. To my surprise he didn't pull away. To kiss deepened as his hands wondered up my shirt. Then we both stopped._

_"I am so sorry..." I stammered, " that was so inappropriate of me, I mean my husband is dead I shouldn't be kissing you. Your marriedish, I'm married- well I was married. This was wrong, I'm so so sorry doctor Shepard. I think I need to go back in the funeral home now." He grabbed me before I could walk off. He turned me to face him._

_"I'm sorry. I should have stopped it. Don't blame yourself." He pulled my hand in his. "Now lets go in together. We just won't say anything about this in the eulogy, okay?" He said with a small childish smile. I nodded in agreement and walked back inside with him._

* * *

"I'm actually doing okay. You know the internship is helping take this off my mind." I swallowed trying to suppress the memory of our last encounter. It wasn't working very well. "How about you? Last I heard you were getting married to" I snapped my fingers as I tried to remember her name "The OB lady...Addison!" I said with excitement in my voice, it reminded me that he didn't care about our kiss.

"Yeah, we've been married now for almost two years. It's been really great." He says it though a fake smile. He is lying straight though his teeth, he's always been a bad lier. "Well anyway I requested you for a reason, and not just to catch up. I know that you probably don't want everyone knowing that your Ellis' daughter, but I know that your are probably more gifted then her. And I want to take you under my service and held make you into another one of the legends, and I want to keep an eyes on you and your recovery. It's only been seven months, and your still going full speed." I stop him. I don't want another speech about how brave I am for doing this when my husband has been dead for such a short time blah blah blah.

"Okay well I don't want people to think your favoring me because I know Cristina already thinks your are. I do appreciate you wanting to help me, but the best thing you can do for me is help me forget. Not bring Jake up, go Drinking with me, and not act like me being here is such a big deal. People die, you have to move on, or you will get left behind. " all evidence of his smile was gone. I must have been a little harsher then I wanted it to be. "Thanks though, for trying to help." I grabbed his hand and gave it little squeeze, "I really have miss you." A smile was back upon his face as well as mine. "How about we go for drinks at joes tonight with Christina an the rest of the interns?" He nodded, his pager went off. I pick it out of his pocket fast.

"Shit. Nine-one-one on the roof. Lets go." we ran up the stairs to the roof. My first day of my surgical residency was actually going to be okay.


	4. Chapter 4

I couldn't take my eyes off her. I should have known that she would be an Intern here, I mean her mother is the one who put this hospital on the map! I shouldn't have even requested her! Gosh I'm such an idiot! I mean she gonna know why I asked! When she heard Shepard she probably was freaking out, I'm just horrible. She probably doesn't even want to see me. Oh gosh here she come! Think of something to say!

"Dr. Grey! Long time since I've seen you!" Oh well that wasn't to bad, did she hear me? Maybe I should say it again, I start to open my mouth again, thank God nothing came out. She turned around her green eyes popped with her light blue scrubs. Her hair was in a loose ponytail, just like she always used to wear it. She looked just as stunning as the last time I saw her.

"Dr. Shepard! I thought you were still practice in New York, what brought you all the way here to Seattle?" Oh so she been thinking about me! Wait no she wasn't! Her husband just died, gosh Shepard, just answer the question!

"Well I just needed something different, and what would be better then the number one trauma center in the world? And now I get to see you every day! How have you been by the way. I think the last time we spoke was the funeral." Shit. Why did I even bring that up! God Shepard way to go! Let make this even more awkward!

"I'm actually doing okay. You know the internship is helping take this off my mind." She said as she looked down at her feet. I really mess up. Gosh I'm such an idiot. "How about you?" She said after a hard swallow, "Last I heard you were getting married to" she snapped her finger as her mind searched for her name "The OB lady...Addison!" Oh gosh, now it's my turn to be uncomfortable. Addie and I had called it quits. Well I did, she didn't seem to grasp the fact that cheating, with my best friend, would end our marriage. To top off matters her and Mer were quite close. Mer and Jake wanted to have a baby before he passed, Meredith was the one who introduced us.

"Yeah, we've been married now for almost two years. It's been really great." I could see it in her smile, she was trying not to laugh. She could always tell when I was lying, she just had a gift for it. "Well anyway I requested you for a reason, and not just to catch up. I know that you probably don't want everyone knowing that your Ellis' daughter, but I know that your are probably more gifted then her. And I want to take you under my service and held make you into another one of the legends, and I want to keep an eyes on you and your recovery. It's only been seven months, and your still going full speed." She held up her petite little hand as to signal me to stop. I was rambling just as bad as she used to do.

"Okay well I don't want people to think your favoring me because I know Cristina already thinks your are. I do appreciate you wanting to help me, but the best thing you can do for me is help me forget. Not bring Jake up, go Drinking with me, and not act like me being here is such a big deal. People die, you have to move on, or you will get left behind. Thanks though, for trying to help." Her hand in closed mine with a tight little squeeze, a little tingle ran up on my arm causing little goose bumps. Her touch has always done that to me, I just never realized how much I missed it. "I really have miss you." A smile flashed upon my face as well as hers. "How about we go for drinks at joes tonight with Christina an the rest of the interns?" I nodded with excitement, I'm sure I could talk her away from the interns, I looked down at my buzzing pager.

"Shit. Nine-one-one on the roof. Lets go." we ran up the stairs to the roof. A young girl was flown in from the outskirts of town. The air medics ran off the copper with her in a stretcher.

"Massive head trauma, extended lower abdomen, possible internal bleeding, stats are norm, parents are on there way up." We nodded and started to wheel her in the elevator with the rest of the interns and residents and headed to the trauma center.

"Okay so this is your first trauma, we are going to have to be fast, follow what your resident and attendings do, and don't get in there way." I spoke to all of the first timers there. The ding signified the we were had arrived. We pushed the gurney off an straight to trauma room one. The young girl laid up on the table in a trance like state, "Yang, go get in line for CT! Grey, go get the code Cart ready! Push 3 grams of benzodiazepines! Grey where's that crash cart! Get ready she's about to code or seize!" They interns took a step closer, as Bailey told all but three of them to step back. They all got prepared for what would come In the next two seconds.

"She's codeing!" Said one of the interns called out. Her heart went in to tackycardia, the paddles we handed to me as Mer put the gel on the them. "Charge to two hundred!" The body jumped off the the table, "Charge to three hundred!" The body jumped once more, the room was silent excepted for the heart beat that had flat lined I prepared for one more charge, then her heart returned to normal. I looked over to Mer her face was white, her eyes were wide. She had seen it before, she had seen her husband die just like that. I assigned the resident and her interns to follow out with the rest of the case for now. I took Mer out of the room.

"I can't do that. I can't see that again." Was all she said. She walked off before I could say anything. I knew how she felt, but she wasn't going to let me help. I called her back but she walked to her resident and continued about her own business. I felt at blame, if she wasn't on my service she would not have seen that, and she would not be in the state she is in now. I felt a hand on my shoulder I turned to see who it was.

"She will be okay, she just has to get numb first. It's exactly what I had to do." I looked down at Christina, her face looking forward towards Meredith, her features we're all pointing downwards. She was feeling Meredith pain just as bad as she felt it. "You are just going to have to give her time. This is the first time she has been around death since Jake and she is just a little spooked. She will come around and be the same twisty and dark Mer she always was." Christina and Mer were always a package deal, I really don't know how Jake put up with it. I mean it was twenty-four/seven, and they never fought, they were like Siamese twins.

"I really hope your right, Christina. She can't be like that during codes, and we have them all the time." I looked to Mer. Her hair still had the same shine her skin flawless as ever, but her eyes had no life and her smile was gone. The girl I fell for we buried deep in pain and sadness.

"Don't doubt her McDreamy. She never doubted you and you let her husband die." She began to walk off as the sing if her words hit me like sharpened dagger. She turned on her heals to face me again, "and don't bring up the funeral or Jake ever. I just got her halfway back to normal and she doesn't need reminders of him or your kiss. Got it?" I nodded as I stared at Mer. This was going to be harder than I thought.


	5. Chapter 5

The taste of tequila drowned my mouth. Today was probably one of my worst days the only thing I could think of today was Jake, he was ever where I went. In every thing I did he was all I could think of. I mean the alcohol probably isn't the best idea for me right now, I couldn't handle Jake haunting me and Derek following my every move! I mean right now tequila seemed like a better choice then talking it out with Christina, or sleeping with some random guys. Alcohol. Even the name of it made me feel better. "Mer! Hey how are you feeling?" I turned around on my bar stool, shit! I told him I would go drinking with him! His smile was as big as normal, those blue eyes though... They seemed dull, like his day was just as bad as mine. "I see you starts with out me," he let a low chuckle go, "seems like back in the old days." I smiled and downed the rest of my tequila. I raised my finger and flagged down the bar keep.

"Hi can I get another one, and a single malt Scotch for my friend." I smiled at the bar keep, hoping my words weren't too slurred. He got us just want we asked for. "After this one just water for me, okay?" He nodded.

"Do you want me to call you a cab?" He asked, I shook my head. I turned to Derek, but he nodded. So I took that as we were getting really drunk!

"I missed you. A lot. Like I shouldn't have miss you that much." I looked down at the banged up wooden bar. My hands were wrapped around my glass as I took a sip. His hand found my wrist.

"Don't Mer, don't say that. You're drunk and you don't mean anything you are saying, and you probably won't remember saying it either." His eyes were full of pain. He didn't think my words were true. It felt like the moment he kissed me. I want to just kiss him again.

"I do mean it. I mean, I might be a little drunk, but I really do mean it. Of we ha met under different circumstances I think... I don't know what I think. I think that today has been the worst day ever. Why did he have to die. Why did y'all let him? I mean I was about to be pregnant, we were going in for the last treatment, a week after he died. I couldn't do it with out him. I need him there then there was you. You oh you were like the guy I always wanted. Smart, tall, handsome, and you're a doctor. You were the guy I aways dreamed of. Jake dropped out of med school with in the first month. He took a job as a teacher and I was always in school. He didn't understand my pressure to be Extraordinary. He just didn't get it. You did.  
Don't get me wrong, I loves him with every thing I had and if he was still here... I'd ... I'd think I could stay with him. If you weren't here I would definitely be with him. Really you were the first person to make me question us. You and Addie showed that what we had was off-" he shut me up was he took my drink way.

"Mer ya'll were perfect together. Me and Addie... Well Addie never really loved me, and I didn't either. Jake was head over hill with you. He was so worried that his memories of you would disappear. He was sick, he was dying and all he was worried about was you. All he want to make sure was good was you. I regret making you doubt his love for you." His smile was gone. He didn't love me. He didn't want me. He just kissed me for kicks then. I see now. I was some joke to him. Nothing worth his real time. "I know that you loves him and this right now you don't mean anything you are saying. You want to be over him. You want it just to be over like that, and I don't want you in pain either, but this is how you move on. You throw yourself in to work, and we drink." He took a huge gulp of his scotch. I stood up, ad promptly sat back down, mainly because of the floor moving out from under me, and somewhat because of what he said. Was he right? Did I want was to move on? Wa I the one who really didn't want him? Did I regret the whole thing?

We sat there until he had finished his scotch. His eyes were red, he looked broken. Did I do this to him. We stood up together an walked to the door. He pushed it open for me. "Derek... I don't want to be alone. I can't take being alone." He was inches away from my face, his warm breath touched the surface of my face leaving me in tingles. His hands wrapped around my back, embracing me in a hug. His normal sent was gone, the he smelt of alcohol and the hospital. "Please don't leave me yet." He looked down, at me his eyes still full of sadness, they almost looked gray. I touch his face, the rough stubbles reminded me of Jake. I reached up to his lips. Soft and supple, they brushed against mine. I felt his body relax into mine, it almost felt perfect. He pulled away. My heart almost flopped out of my chest. "Let's go to my place. Okay, we won't do anything, lets just go to bed. Okay?" He lent back down and placed one more kiss on my lips.

"Okay" He said with a smirk, his eyes had life again

* * *

_"That was amazing." He was my first, and my last. Jake was my everything. Our leg laid intertwined, we were officially in a consummated marriage. I never wanted to leave this moment. "I'm so glad we waited! This was much better then I thought." I laughed. He smile at me._

_"I thought you were okay..." He said with joking smile. I slid on top of him and playfully hit him._

_"Really? I was just...okay? That's all? Do I need to prove to you that I'm much, much more then 'okay'?" He let a chuckle go, his smile got wider then I've ever seen._

_"Yeah you might have to prove it to me a couple of more times!" He laughed even more. I hunched over him and placed a kiss on his lips again._

_"Alright, let do it again then." I said though a giggle. I felt like the most important person ever, and I never wanted this to end_.

* * *

I laid in the bathroom tub crying. Derek had left, and I felt- I felt like a whore. I had just fucked Derek. I fucked him. I don't know what was going though my mind. I wanted him, but I didn't. I wanted Jake. I just fucked my best friend because I wanted to get over my husband and I can't. Now he's gone. I drove one of my closets friends away. I called him Jake. I called him Jake during sex. I'm such a whore. How am I going to face him during work. I'm on his freaking services too. I might as well inject myself with some potassium and call it quits.

"MER COME OUT OF THE BATHROOM. NOW." I never answered. "MER. OPEN. THE. DAMN. DOOR." I heard mumbling outside soon, the door was busted open. Christina stood there with Derek. I felt myself fall deeper in to my hole of self-loathing.

"Please leave me alone. I just need sometime alone okay." My knees were tied up in my arms, my face tucked in between the space between them.

"No. We are going to work, and I'm leaving. You and Derek work what ever this out. Now." I didn't move. I wasn't going to. I didn't want to talk to him. I was embarrassed from last night. Cristina walk out, we heard her feet flip down the stairs and out the front door. Now it was time to cry, beg him to forget it and forgive me.


	6. Chapter 6

**_An: thanks for reading! I don't own anything. Reviews are welcome _**

_"If you want to leave then just leave! If you really think, that I'm not good enough for you than just go ahead and walk out the door! I don't need a husband who just wants an escort!" He sat on the bed with his hands holding his head. He eyes didn't even follow me as a paced the floor. He sat in distress. He had cheated. He knew he was wrong. "Jake! Get the hell out of my house! Now!" He didn't move. "I'm going to say it one more time. Get. The. Fuck. Out." He stood up from the bed. _

_ "I didn't mean it. It was a mistake. I don't love her. Mer, you are the only one I could ever love." He looked in to my eyes now. His were full of tears. I couldn't tell if he meant it or not. But I wasn't going to wait around until he did it to me again. "Please, can we try and make it work. I love you, more then I could ever say-" _

_ "How do I know this wasn't the first time doing this?! How do I know that you won't so it again!? I'm not my father! I'm lot going to stand around and watch you love someone else and just be glad that you haven't left yet. No. I'm not that kind of girl, and I'm not going to waste my life on the hope that you come home to me every night. No. Get out." Tears had fumbled down my face. I was torn apart at the seems and I didn't know if I would ever be whole again. _

_ "I'll leave if it's what you want. If do anything to make you happy." He said as he walked close to the closet, his feet dragging across the carpet. _

_ "Bull freaking shit! I you wanted to make me happy you would have never slept with that no good, white trash, whore!" He grabbed a bag from the bottom I the closet and put his things in it. _

_ "I didn't mean It." He said once more, trying to convince me to let him say. _

_ "If you didn't mean it, you wouldn't have done it." I stormed out of the room. Christina was three blocks away. I could run there. I slid on my shoes at the door, I grabbed my keys, and turned back around. I took his key ring off the counter and slid the key to the loft off of it, then I ran out. It was night, the streets were coated in a fresh rain. Boston always had away to make the day even more depressing. I ran passed Christina's apartment. The bar beside it was open. I decided to go in there knock off the edge then call her to meet me down here. _

_ I never called her. _

* * *

"Mer, we have to talk. What happened last night was my fault. You didn't mean it ,I didn't mean it, and you just needed to get Jake off your mind." If only he knew. I didn't love Jake like he thought. I loved of course but he hurt me do much, I don't think we ever were happy, until he got sick. Just saying that sounds so morbid, but it was the truth...

"Yeah your right. I'm sorry Derek, lets just forget it and try not to speak of it again okay?" I wanted to tell him that I loved Jake, but I didn't any more. But everything I tried to say just didn't sound right. I wanted to tell him that how I felt. That what we had wasn't a fling but I wasn't ready for something like what we did. But he wouldn't understand.

"Let me help you up. I know you're hungover but if you just lay around its going to get worst. Lets go get you a banana bag. Okay?" I stood up. I was just in a big tee-shirt. His tee-shirt. His eyes looked me over, he realized what I was wearing. His hands grasped my arm. He held me steady and found my eyes. "I think you should keep that shirt." The hymn of the shirt went right about my thighs. My hands went to the bottom, I fiddled with it, contemplating with the idea of us. Again.

* * *

_ "Why are you still here. I told you I leave." He was sitting on the couch when I walked back in. I knew I reeked of whiskey. It was the best thing to cure broken hearts. He looked up and smiled. _

_ "I thought you just needed space. So that's what I gave you. I didn't follow you out and I should have but I knew you need space." What. The. Fuck. Space was the last time I needed. I smiled. I walked up to our bedroom. His clothes were still in my closet. I picked them all up. Luckily he didn't have many things hanging up. I put them all in the trash bags I left on the bed for him last night. I collected all of the things from my dresser and put them in the second one. If he wanted to play dirty, I could to. I walked down the stairs with the two bags, a smile still on my face. I walked out to our patch of grass and placed them on the curb. _

_ "You have 20 minutes till the garbage man gets here. You shit is all in the curb. Everything. Now you have 20 minutes to make arrangements and leave before your stuff is gone." He looked at me with doe eyes. He didn't think I could take this much action. I knew he thought I would let him get away with this, that something I would never understand about him. He knew I didn't take any non sense, yet that's all he chooses to do. I can't handle it. He composed himself, making his face straight as a line. _

_ "No. Let them throw it all away. I'm not leaving you. Ever. I did one wrong mistake and I'm sorry. It won't every happen again." I stood there, words ceased to come out of my mouth. I expected him to go, no stay and argue about it. "I'm going I make us work. I'm going to earn back all of your trust. Every single little bit. I love you Mer, I love you so much that I acutely hurt when I hurt you. You can't see it and I right now I don't think you care, but I am sorry I made you hate me. I'm sorry I'm such an idiot. I'm so sorry. I'm not leaving ever. They can take my things and I'll just have to buy new ones. I don't care. I would do anything I be with you. No matter the cost." I didn't know what to do. So I just said what I had been saying all along._

_ "Leave." _

* * *

"I don't regret what we did Derek, I do regret the why and how, but not being with you. I hope you understand how embarrassed I was. I mean I enjoyed what we did but, Jake was my only," I need to tell him, but I just couldn't get it out of me. I didn't even tell Christina. "And I wanted it to stay like that, but life just sucks some times. So don't make this weird, but I want to do it again." He looked at me his eyes wide, he thought I was joking. "I have some kinda of feeling for you, I'm not sure yet what of but I do know you are the closest thing I have a friend that isn't Christina, and I don't want to ruin that. Okay?" I kissed his lip lightly. I need to tell him. Just not right now. Maybe after a few weeks. Tell him that we should try this. Not just for my pain, but for his too. He nodded in agreement. "I've miss you." I said in a Whisper against his chest. I hoped he didn't hear it. I didn't know what I felt. But I did know, my feeling for Jake would never fade. They were of love and hate, and love like that never really goes away.

* * *

_"Mer, I love you." I looked up at his face. He was laying beside me. I let him stay, in all truth though he wouldn't leave, so one thing lead to another... We were back to our same old patterns. I did know what to say to him. I did love him, but I was broken apart, and this wasn't helping. "Don't say anything. Just lay here with me. Okay? I just want you close." I stayed still letting his hand enclose mine. I still had a tingle when he touched me. Maybe all the spark wasn't all gone. Maybe it really was a laps in judgement, but I would never know. He was going I have to prove himself to me._

_ "I love you too." I said in an almost inaudible voice his hand gave mine a tight squeeze. He heard. _

* * *

"So how did it all go? You and him okay?" Christina asked as I approached to nurses station. I nodded.

"All is well. And no more questions about it okay? I don't really wanna talk about it." She knew all I needed was some tequila and I would be back to my normal. Just 46 more hours, and I would be dunk off my ass. "Any good cases yet?" She gave me a look a mother would to a child with their had in the cookie jar.

"Are you trying to steal my cases?" I gave her a devilish smile.

"Meredith! Good to see you! Can you come help me with his central line?" I looked up to the tall blond model. Of course she did know how to do a central line. How did she even get out of med school. I smiled a followed her to her patient. He was almost comatose, fading in and out of consciousness. I explained how it worked and what was suppose to happen and helped her put it in. I allowed her to do it as I watch. I smiled at she slid in the catheter. Well at least now she wouldn't kill any one. I walked away from the Nuro icu, I was ready for some action in the pit. Some blood was what I needed. I walked over to the elevator and pressed the down button. The elevator doors open, and to my surprises, there was Derek. It's almost made me jump back I totally had forgotten that this was his floor. I entered on expecting him to usher his way out, he chose to stay in though. I thought It was strange till the doors close. He stepped up to my back side, his warm breath brushed up against my neck. "How's your day going?" His hand wrapped around my shoulder.

_"Mer, it's gonna be okay. We can make it though this." Jakes voice was filled with sorrow. That morning we found out he was terminal. It had progressed to much for anything else to work. "I'm so sorry." I faced him in the elevator. _

_ "Don't be sorry this isn't your fault. We have gotten though much worst." I looked back at all of our troubles. There was the cheating, the drinking, the fighting, it all equated to nothing now. "I won't let you die Jake. Not like this. You will die an old man surrounded by our kids, grandchildren and great grandchildren. I don't care what the doctor days. We have survived to much just to give up and die." His hands snaked around my waist as his lips gently pressed against my temple. _

_ "I won't give up. Ever."_

* * *

"Mer?" I was shaken out of my memory.

"Yeah? Oh- it's a lot better now." He had a look of concern over his face. I knew I must be worrying him. _Ding. "Well this is my stop! I'll see you later, for that acoustic neuroma?" He nodded as I stepped out. _

_ "_Yeah see you later Mer." The doors closed and Derek disappeared. I needed a drink.


	7. Chapter 7

_" Jake you need to go get your treatment today! Don't forget that Christina is picking you up!" I hollered from our bath room. He never remembered about the only thing that was keeping him alive, and yet every time I reminded him, he became very upset. He was humming the tube of our wedding song as he waltzed down the hallway to me. His now frail body leaned against the wooden door frame. His eyes had large dark bags under them, and his skin was pale as snow. Almost all of his muscle tone was gone, and his lush auburn hair was almost all gone. The Chemotherapy was slowly tearing him apart. It seemed that it was almost making him worst instead of better. _

_ "Mer, I think we should talk about that... I've been wanting to take a break from it maybe look in to some alternatives methods of treating this-" _

_ "No." I cut him off with my simple response. "There is no way on gods green earth that I would ever let you do that. We are almost out of time and I don't want you to go any sooner then you have too." He looked at me with almost hurt eyes. He had already taken so much aways from me I Definitely was not going to let him die any time soon. _

_ "This isn't your -" I sat down my massacre and turned on my heals. _

_ "Like hell it is. You have ruined my life. You have cheated, you have hit me, and now you got cancer. I'm the doctor in training. You are going to do as I say. You freaking owe it to me I stay alive. You have no right to give up and die. No right to make that kind of decision." _

_ "Actually I do." He shot back. "My body, my rules." His face had a flustered look upon it. His eyes were cold and dark, like the lively green was sucked out of them. He was looking a lot worst then in the beginning, but that was normal for chemo. _

_ "Actually no. I'm paying for all of this and I'm not letting my money go to waste. You have out me though hell and back and I'm still offering to stay and take of you. You suck it up and finish your treatment. You don't have an option anymore. Like I said before you don't get to die. Chemo does this to everyone one. It has to get worst before it can even think about getting Better." I walked over I him enveloping my arms around his waist. "You are going to get better Jake. You can't quit on me now." _

* * *

Dr. Shepard continued to work on the acoustic neuroma with, his eyes fixated on this little blemish in the brain. He worked around it slowly but surly and cleared this brain of all impurities.

"Well done everyone!" He said as he removed his instruments from the patients brains. He as them down on the mayo try to his right and turned around allowing a nurse to take off this head lamp. "How did you like it Dr. Grey?" He looked up at me, his smile showing though he facial mask.

"It was amazing!" I replied in the happiest voice I could manage. Just being here all I could think about was Jake. He had plenty of operations on his brain. In fact his head was so scarred up, when his hair started to grow back there's was just huge Chunks missing from all the scarring. I thought it was pretty funny.

"There's a real high about it. It can almost be like a drug." He said as we entered the scrub room. Pealing off his face mask and gloves. "It's hard not to get addicted too." Kinda like you I thought. I followed his lead to the sink and began the cleaning process.

"Thank you Dr. Shepard. It means a lot to me for letting me scrub in." He smiled at me while we cleaned our hands. "It really does mean a lot to me." We removed our hands from the sink and dried them. He looked at me with a smile and a twinkle in his eye. "What?" I asked the smile slipping out with my voice. Soon one of his famous McDreamy smiles slipped upon his face. His smile got me happier then it should.

"I think we should go to Joe's tonight and celebrate. This is quite a big deal. Your first 12 hour surgery, that's a big accomplishment. I think this calls for some tequila!" He showed his beautiful smile. He didn't like tequila, but it was my best friend.

"I was planning on catching up on my scut, but I mean it's your scut any ways-" he pulled me in a hug, stoping all of my words.

"You can do it tomorrow. I as your boss grant you that permission. Only if you come have a drink with me." I giggled.

"I think this might count as sexual harassment Dr. Shepard?" I asked in a playful voice. His hot breath blew against the sensitive skin on my neck. It was like on a cold day and the sun hits your skin, it feels like a million goose bumps pop up. I just wanted to stay in the feeling.

"I don't think it counts if you enjoy it." He said muffled against my neck. I could feel his smile against my shoulder as he said it. He placed a small kiss on my shoulder, then the side of my neck, then he rose up to my lips. He hovered over then not know what to do. I leaned in, and it felt just like the first time we kissed. This was soft and sweet, it seemed like it could become a habit.

Our moment of bliss was ruined as the scrub door swung open. A small voice rang thought the scrub room, "Derek-" the voice stopped, and stomped away. His eyes opened wide like he had seen a not hit me who it was. Addison. I should have stopped what we had. Now I'm just like Jake, a cheating, dying, whore. I didn't turn around. I just froze in to place. I was what I said I would never let myself be and I didn't think twice about stopping it. I was just as bad as Jake. He looked down at me.

"That was your wife wasn't?" All he could manage was a nod. I stood there nearly not breathing with my eyes closed. "I'm such a stupid whore. I think I need to go..." He's hand wrapped around mine, he brought it to his lips and kissed it.

"I will be at your house tonight around 9:30 okay? I think she might want a divorce now." I pulled my hand from his face, making all contact between us gone.

"No, you can't. I will not be the whore who broke the happy couple up. Now you suck it up and go talk to her and tell her I was making a move on you. I'm still distraught from my dead husband. Tell here I don't know what I'm doing. But you can not end things with her. I almost did with Jake and I would have regretted it my whole life if I had. So I'm not giving you the option to ruin your life. Go out there and apologize. Tell her you -" he wrapped me in a hug.

"No." He kissed the top of my forehead. And repeated his answer "No." He then let go and proceeded to walk out of the scrub room. This. Was. Gonna. Be. Hell.

* * *

_"Mer, please I need you to go. Now." I stood there knowing he was trying to let his little mistress in our house. How in the hell did he think I was gonna to let that happen. _

_ "If you want that tra-" _

_ "I want to say good bye to her. I'm never going to see her again. I'm dying, and she knows that I love her, but I want to tell her before I die." He spoke with a shaky voice. _

_ "No! If you wanna see that girl get out of this damn house! I'm not letting the girl who destroyed me back in this house! How about I just go sleep with the next guy I meet and bring him home to say good bye! No! You would never let that happen! And you are NOT dying. Not today, not tomorrow, not next week, not till I say you can die! Do you understand!?" He sat there looking at me. My face was covers in tears, he didn't care. He wanted his little white trash. "If you really want to see her get out of my house, and don't come back. If you really love her quit hurting me. I don't want you here if you don't want me." He braced himself on the side of the chair and pushed up. He lightly walked over to me his feet nearly making a sound against the hardwood floors. His head was now covered by a beanie, and his eyebrows were gone. He was just skin and bones. The Chemo was really taking a toll on him, his body and spirt. He was sad, he wasn't the Jake he used to be. _

_ "I'm leaving then. I love both of you. But I'm just hurting you. I'm not loving you like I should. I'm loving you out of comfort, not my feelings." He reached up and ran his hand across the side of my cheek. "I love you, but I need her. I will be back for you but I need to tell her goodbye. I have to let her know that I love her before time is gone." He wrapped me up in an embrace, I began to sob. What we had wasn't real. "Call me unreliable, rainbows I'm inclined to pursue." His low baritone voice rang through my ears. "Call me unpredictable, call me-" I placed a small kiss on his lips. _

_ "You can quit, you can stop everything. Chemo, pretending to love me, everything. You can stop." I pulled away and began to walk up the stairs. "I'm going to pack up some of my things okay. I'll just stay at Christina's for the night. Oh and I'll call Dr. Shepard and tell him of your decision, and set up a final consult-" _

_ "Don't." He walked up behind me. "Don't do any of that. I'm staying." He said with out any confidence. He didn't want to stay at all he wanted her. That's who he deserved. _

_ "No, Jake you want her. Not me. I'm not staying, and you need her more then me-" He leaned in to me, then his eye rolled back, as so did he. "JAKE! JAKE!" I laid him down at the bottoms of the stairs and ran to the house phone. I pushed in the numbers for Dr. Shepard. I prayed that nothing was wrong. That this was just a side affect from the new chemo treatment. _

_ "Mer, what a surprise!-" I cut him off before he could finish his sentence. _

_ "Jake I think he's really dying! He passed out and started convulsing, can you please come here! Fast!" I said with pain in my voice. I'm sure my words were all strung together, I always talked fast when I was in a panic. _

_ "I'm on my way. I'll be there in three minutes tops." I heard a click and the line was dead. It was happing. What I've been dreading. He was leaving me. He was dying. I cradled him on my arms. His Convolutions had ended and his breathing quickened. He was getting ready to leave. _

_ "JAKE! YOU CAN NOT LEAVE ME! NOT NOT! NOT EVER!" I screamed at him. They always told me he could not hear me when he was in states like this, but subconsciously he could be hanging on my every word. The front door swung open, Derek and a team of paramedics ran in. He laid there, his head resting on my lap, in a sleep like state. I hate him so much for being sick. For making me feel like this on a regular basis. Everyone was yelling at everyone else. They pick him up and placed him on a board and carried him out. _

_ "Mer come on we have to go now!" I looked up seeing Derek's facing looking down at me. This was bad. He grabbed me by the hand a dragged me to his car. We followed the ambulance all the way to Columbia. I sat still the whole time. No tears fell down my face, no shives of fear, or sobs of sadness. I couldn't manage any of that. Derek had place his hand on mine, offering little comfort for this situation. We reached the parking lot and I just at there. I couldn't move and I couldn't get out. I just sat there. Derek ran out and straight into to the building I watched him disappear in to the sliding doors. I just sat. _


	8. Chapter 8

Hey**_ guy! Thanks for reading! Reviews are always welcome. Good or bad _**

**_i don't own the show sadly _**

**_and I'm going to try and update this regularly like open Sundays or every other Sunday. _**

**_Im really bad at up dating lol as you can tell. _**

**_Thanks again _**

* * *

"I NEED SOME SHOTSOVER HERE!" Christina proclaimed to the barkeep. Her wild curls were all over the place. All traces of the hard day were gone, she was just another girl in another bar. All evidence of her strict doctoral self were all washed away with every sip of her drink. She was becoming human again, not her normal Cardio God wanna be self. She sat down on the bar stool beside me. She had finely given up on wondering around the small bar, after all it takes a lot to catch her attention. "Mer! Where's... Where's hair products?! You need a good lay! It's been a while! I mean sure your husbands... He's dead. I mean ... I mean ... I think I need more tequila!" She began to laugh as Joe approached us with two shots. For once I was the only one sober. Normally Christina would be trying I stop me for sleeping with everyone that had a penis, and I would be the one telling her dumb thing. I think it was safe to say I would be the one driving home tonight.

Two Shots were placed in front of us...I guess I could hail is a cab. In sure some cabbie would love to take us home. I picked up the glass closet to me. I held it in front of me. This was a bad idea. I threw it back. The warm burning feeling made me think of home. Jake was the one who made me take my first shot of tequila, I've been hooked ever since. I ordered just a tall glass of vodka. That's not that bad on the liver.

"Excuse me, but I think I know you?" I turned around to meet a handsome tall stranger. His eyes were a hazel mix of blue an green, and short almost blond hair. His jaw bone was very strong and distinct. He was very handsome, I could see myself with him. For tonight. He held out his hand. "I'm Mark Sloan." I smiled at his friendliness, and took his hand.

"I'm Meredith Grey." He smiled even more at my last name. Shit. He was a doctor. "What brings you here?" I asked. Knowing he was going to a say a surgery, or a job interview.

"We'll I'm from New York, I'm actually a plastic surgeon. I'm visiting the Dr. Shepard's ." My jaw dropped, it was Sloan! He noticed my look. "Do you know them?" He asked a little shocked. I nodded.

"I'm a surgical intern at Seattle Grace, and Derek treated my husband at Columbia. I think you were right we met before. I think you helped Derek with Jake, my husband." His eyes shot open a little wider. He knew who I was. "I think you even came to funeral." He nodded. Jake always had away to ruin my fun. "Yeah so can I get you a drink?" I asked, the music of the bar had quieted down to a slow song. He shook his head, and visible frown appeared on my face I turned back around to my drink. Christina was gone and it was just me and my drink.

"Let's dance." I turned back around he had a smug smirk on his face. I took a big gulp and hopped off my stool.

"Sure, why not." There was no dance floor so we made our own. He placed his large hands on the small of my back, looping around my waist. I placed my arms around his neck. He pulled me close leaving almost no space between our bodies.

"I like this. This is nice. This is good." He said as we swayed. I rested my head on his chest. I never did this, I never just cosy up to some body like this. I almost felt like a normal woman at a bar. Not so girl who had her hear broke stay with the idiot who broke it until he died and started cheating with her dead husbands doctor. I felt normal. I liked this feeling. The song soon stopped but we didn't end our dancing. "How about we add some fun moves back at my place?" He asked with a huge smile on his face. "Maybe some horizontal mambo?" He asked with a chuckle. I placed my hand on his chest. Even though his tight Slate gray button down I could feel his tight chest muscles. His pectorals were extremely defined. I smiled at him.

"If I take you up on that offer, you can't tell anyone at the hospital." His grin became even bigger.

"I would never dream of it Meredith." He kiss the top of my head, an lead a trail down to my lips. His lips pull off in a matter of seconds, it was a quick kiss. He placed his head on my forehead. "I really like this." He placed another kiss on my lips. This time this one lasted longer. His left hand was caressing my cheek and his right on the small of my back, pulling me closer. A shock was sent though my body. I just want more. His tongue soon entered my mouth. It was a nice care-free make out. I've never really had that before. He pulled away. "How about we go to my hotel room?" He placed a kiss on my neck.

"Okay let me just tell Christina that in leaving and get joe to hail her cab." He nodded, and used his hand to to brush back a strand of my hair. He placed a small kiss on my lips.

"Hurry." He smiled as I turned to find Christina. She was sitting on the stool next to Izzy. I told I was leaving early, and she just waved me on. Izzy assured me Christina would be getting home safely. I soon returned to Mark. "You ready for the ride of your life?" He asked with excitement in his voice. I nodded, and he took my hand and we were headed out.

* * *

_"He's fine Mer." Derek said as he placed on hand on my knee. I couldn't go see him for 12 hours, something about his memory restoring. I still couldn't move. It was really happening, he was dying. "How about we go in to my office? You can stay there till he can have visitors. I'm off the clock till you can see him anyways, and I have a nice bottle of Scotch waiting to be emptied." He smiled at me. I still looked a mess and I knew it but I just need someone to tell me it was okay. _

_ "Alright." I said flatly. I was tried and worried. The last thing I need was alcohol but its what I wanted. I stood up out of the waiting room chair and followed him to the elevator. _

_ "If any one ask you just say your visiting our program. I'm really not allowed to have you back here, but we'll just lie about it tonight. In fact I can steal you some scrubs and no one would know." He spoke as if nothing was wrong. That everything that happened tonight was normal. "Mer, come on you gotta keep up." We reached the elevator and waited for its arrival. As soon as it came we stepped on. The doors closed and I lost it. Tears were falling so fast that I thought I would dehydrate my self. Derek's arms were soon wrapped around me my face pressed against his chest, massacre was going to be all over his shirt. "Mer, he's alive. It's okay." He said trying to sooth me, as he rubbed his hand up and down my back. But it wasn't okay. I was heartbroken. My husband was dying and he didn't want me any more. I was a wreak. Soon the doors opened to a level I had never been on. Derek scooped me up and carried me down the hallway to his office. I couldn't stop crying, I was just broken. _

_ We had reached his office, he shut all the blinds and closed the door, and ensured our security by locking the door. I didn't know what to say. I opened my mouth to speak and nothing seemed to come out. He pulled a bottle of Scotch and two Dixi cups out of a cabinet. He pored us both a generous dose. "He's leaving me." I finally managed. He stopped putting up the bottle and walked over to me. "I don't know what to do." I reached for my glass and downed it. "I mean I love him with everything I have, should I just let him go? Should I put up more of a fight? I just don't know what to do!" I soon took his glass and downed it as well. He looked at me stunned. _

_ "I thought y'all were perfect." Was all he could manage. _

_ "There is no such thing as perfect, only good." He still looked stunned. " I think I might drink this whole bottle." I said with a dark chuckle. _

_ "That's fine with me." He said with a fake smile. _

_"And... And he tried to tell me 'oh no Mer! I still love you!' Ahaha! No you didn't you son of a bitch!" We both sat there laughing the strong liquor had definitely went to my head. "This couch is very comfy! Where did you get it? It's almost like a bed!" I said laughing _

_ "That's because it is!" He stood up and pulled me up with him. He pulled off the cushions and pulled out a bed and flopped down on it. "Lay with me." He patted the spot next to him. "Don't leave me all by myself!" He laughed again, I gave in and laid down right beside him. _

_ "You know Dr. Shepherd I normally don't get in to bed this easily with men. So you better make it worth my wild." We both started laughing. He sat up and reached for the bottle about afoot from us and took a big swig. _

_"Don't worry I don't disappoint." He leaned back over to me and began to tickle me. I couldn't control my laughter. I hadn't been this happy in months maybe years. Before we knew it he was straddling me holding my hands down to stop me from fighting him. Then we just stayed there. He was hovered over me as our laughter died away. It became serious now. What were we doing. He was my husbands doctor and I was just letting what ever this was happen. This wasn't right. _

_ "Derek-" He started to lean in even closer. We couldn't be doing this. "We can't-" he wasn't stopping. Then there was a knock at the door. We both froze. He tried to get off of me as quietly as he could. I stayed there. I would not be visible from the door. I rolled over on my side making sure if some one came in thy would only see my back. He quietly opened the door. _

_ "Dr. Shepard, I heard you were here tonight and thought you could use a little company." The clacking of heels entered into the room. "Oh I'm sorry. I didn't know you were- what about the OBGYN girl? Hmmm. I'll come back later." They woman soon walked away. The door was then promptly shut and locked. _

_ "Mer, I'm sorry lets just go to bed I have some blankets and pillows in here some where." He said as he fished around in his cabinets. _

_ "Derek, I think it's best if I go. I don't want someone to think that were- and I need to check on Jake-" the cabinets slammed shut. _

_ "We are both to drunk to make any smart choices. We need to sleep this off. You can take the bed and I'll take the floor" he said as the handed me a pillow and two blankets. "It gets really cold." _

_ "No. There's room for two on here and this is your office. If any one is sleeping on this hospital floor it's me." I scooted over making more space for him on the small pull out bed. He glided himself beside me, trying not to end up how we were just ten minuets ago. We both laid on our back awkwardly trying no to touch each other in a way that would be conceivable in flirting. I let loose a laugh. I rolled on my side to face him and placed my hand on his shoulder. I just wanted to let him know I was there. Nothing more. No flirting, no kissing, no messing around, just letting him know I'm here. Before I knew it I was asleep. _

* * *

We reached his hotel door as he slid in the key card I was wrapped around his front wanting him so bad. As soon as the front swung open. We were back to kissing. It was the most passionate kiss I had had in a while. It was like nothing I had ever had before. He pulled away for just a moment, and from the look in his face, I thought he was gonna cry. "What are you doing here?" I unwrapped myself from him, and it was my worst nightmare.

"You called so we wanted to surprise you." I knew that voice. I almost turned around,but chose against it. I started to walk out. Maybe he wouldn't notice me leaving. I walk to the door almost free when I heard marks voice booming for me.

"Meredith, let me introduce you." Shit. Shit. Shit. I turned around. Both of there faces were in shock. "Do you already know each other?" He asked dumbly. I already had made it clear that we all knew each other at the bar. He must have been to drunk to remember. or just never listened.

"Wow you don't waste time do you?" Said Derek as he approached Mark. Before I knew it Mark was on the ground and Addison was down beside him. Marks hand was wrapped around his cheek, and Addison had ran to the rest room to get some ice and a towel.

I yanked Derek by the arm further away from all the chaos so we could talk. "Derek, you can't go around punching people! He did nothing to you!" I explained to him very loudly.

"Yeah he did. He slept with my wife, an was going to sleep with you!" He ran his hand though his hair. "Why? Why would you even come here with him Mer? I thought we... I thought we had something. I guess I was wrong." He looked so hurt.

"I need to make you choose her. I'm not good for you. I'm damaged and broken, and you won't ever love me." I started to tear up. "I'm not the right girl for you. You already found her and I ruined you two. And I need to get over you and all those shots and glasses of vodka didn't do the trick." He looked at me. I had never seen him this way.

"You're drunk. That why you picked him up? Your drunk and hurt?" He asked almost angry.

"Not only that but 95% yeah. If I knew I could have you there beside me like I want, he would have never even been on my radar, but you can't. You have to deal with you wife." He looked as if I had torn him apart. "You can't leave her because of me. I will not be Jake. I will not ruin ya'll. I just won't do it." He grabbed my hand and wrapped it in his. The hurt on his face was still visible but it wasn't as strong as before.

"I don't know what you mean by 'I will not be Jake' but you are nothing like him. You are totally the opposite of him. You did not end this marriage, she did when she slept with Mark. Mark was my best friend-" I hugged him. I was doing something that had already been done to him before. I was breaking his heart.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me." I Said in a Whisper against his shoulder. "I'm so sorry." He patted my back, offer little comfort for what I had done. I peeled off of him slowly, going back just far enough that we were close but not touching. "I think it's best if I go." I was once again headed off to the door, maybe this time I could make it out.

"I think your right," a voice said behind me. "and I should go too." He closed the door after me. "I know you didn't drive here so how about I take you home?" I nodded. He grabbed my hand and brought it to his lips, and placed a small Kiss on it. "Don't ever do this to me again Mer. I don't know if could take it." We stopped walking towards the elevator.

"I won't. I really thought that I was breaking y'all up and I couldn't be responsible for that. I couldn't be the whore who ended a marriage." I said as I looked right in the eyes. He knew I wasn't lying. "I'm so sorry Derek." We just stayed in that moment. He was just how I was with Jake. "I told you, I'm hopeless and broken. I'm not good for you." He let go of my hand and walked closer to me and placed his hands on my shoulders.

"You are the only thing I need." He placed a soft kiss on my forehead.

* * *

_Beep. Beep. Beep. _

_ The sound of the alarm woken me from a deep sleep. My eyes slowly opened up, I didn't recognize where I was. Nothing was looked familiar. I was entangled with a warm body. I looked up and I was with Derek. His arms were wrapped around me, and my head was on his chest. There was no telling what I did or said last night. _

_ "Mer?" A groggy voice came out of Derek. I looked up at him. "You okay? You were pretty blasted last night." _

_ "I'm fine," I answered as I slithered out of his arms. "Actually that was the best sleep I've had in a while. It just came with a killer hangover." I said I as I massaged my temples. He got out of bed and went straight to his desk and pulled out the biggest bottle of Advil an Visine I had ever seen. "So I'm taking it that you must invite lots of dying patients wives to get drunk with you?" I said with a laugh. _

_ "Only the pretty ones!" He replied with a chuckle. "We should do this more. Your very fun to talk to when your drunk." Of course I am. I forget I have a whore for a husband when I'm drunk. He handed me two Advil and the Visine. _

_ "I think I better go see Jake he's probably been asking for me." I said after I had Swallowed all of my Advil. _

_ "Your probably right." He said as he plopped back down. "Well I won't hold you here. I'll see you down there." I got off the bed and head for the door and stopped when I reached the handle. _

_ "I have no idea how to get out of here." Before I knew Derek was walking me down to see my husband. Both of us tracked the stench of Alcohol behind us and looked as if we haven't been cleaned in a week. _

_ "Thank you." I said as we reached Jakes room. "I'm going to go clean up and then I'll see you later okay?" He nodded. _

_ "Good seeing you Mer." He said as e walked off. _

_ Yeah it was good seeing him too. _

* * *

It was freezing in his truck. We were so far apart that we couldn't even enjoy the body heat from each other. We sat there in a awkward silence until he finally got to courage to speak up.

"Can you tell me why? Just why Mark? What made you want to go to his Hotel Room?" I took a deep breath readying myself to answer. "I'm not upset still." He clarified, even though he was completely lying. "I just want to know what lured you in."

"The familiarity. He reminded me of Jake, he was so passionate and carefree. An we had met before this. Remember he helped treat Jake before, he had even came to his funeral." I took in another deep breath, looking for clues as how he was taking this. He had really improved his poker. face. "I don't know why I would want someone who reminded me of him at all... I mean I loved him, but what we had didn't work. I just am an idiot. That's all there is too it!" I began to lean against the window. That really want the problem was. I was just an idiot.

He placed his hand on my knee. "You are an idiot." I looked over at him, expecting a scorn on his face. He was going to show what his real emotions were. Finally. I would be feeling the same way. I was shocked to see him smiling. "But I am too." He really wasn't mad. "I fell for you knowing I wasn't Divorced yet, and hadn't started to the proceedings either." But that wasn't the issue...well it was an issue but an issue that could be worked out. Maybe. "I'm the one at fault. I should have never even pursued you. Even back when you were with Jake I tried too... But I was wrong then and I am wrong now." I was taken aback. Didn't he just say that it was fine. That he didn't care? "I think you may have been right. Maybe we should just be friends. I mean your right I do have a wife, I should try and make it work." It said it almost as a question. Almost. "I just think you need more time. You aren't ready for something like this yet." Who the fuck was he talking too. I for one was not the one who was still married! He just could stand to be the one who got punched in the stomach. He was the one who had to end this. I couldn't. Oh no not for that would not do for the all high an mighty Dr. Shepard.

He released his grip on my knee and turned into my drive way. I pushed open the door of his truck and put one foot on the ground as I reached for my purse in the floorboard. "I'll be back tomorrow and take you to work, since your car is at some bar." He spoke with a smile on his face. McAsshole.

I planted both feet on the pavement and half my hand on the door. "Why don't you worry about you wife. You better go pick he up before she fucks your best friend again." I slammed the door shut and marched to the front door I could hear him holler my name but I didn't turn around. I shoved my key in the door and went in. I didn't bother to lock it, that would been I would have to turn around, and from the sound coming out his truck I wasn't going to look at him any more.

I made my way to the kitchen leaving a trail behind me, made up of my purse, scarf, shoes, and keys. I crouched down to the cabinet in the far corner and pulled out the good stuff.

Tonight I was going to need lots of tequila.

* * *

_"Jake!" I exclaimed as I walked in his room. He was well and alive. "You're okay!" I ran to his bed and kiss his forehead. "Oh you had me so worried. I thought you were gonna die on me!" I allowed a few tears to fall, "please don't ever do that to me again!" I took the chair by his bed side and pulled it up to him. _

_"I need to see Mai. I need her. I have to tell her I love her. I have to say goodbye." Whelp I guess he didn't forget. "Please can you get her for me." _

_"Jake it's me your wife! It's me Meredith!" I grasped his hand a little tighter. "Please don't do this here not in front of people. I will get her for you once you rest up a bit okay." I lied. _

_"I need her please!" He begged with me. "I need to need to see my Mai flower!" How original. You nick name your girlfriend after a boat. "Please ma'am, can you find her." He didn't remember me. He forgot me. _

_"I am your wife!" I told him. "Not ma'am. Your wife." He look at me puzzled. "I'm your wife. You and I have been married for awhile now." It still didn't register with him. I stood up from my chair. "Okay sir I'll go try and find Mai for you." I walked out of his room to the elevator and out side. I spotted a bar in walking distance and went. _

_I needed a drink._


	9. Chapter 9

**_AN: hey guys! Sorry I'm a little late on the update! Lol as y'all can tell I'm not the best at it lol. Okay well on this chapter there a way flash back. The first one Is a Continuation from the last chapter, then stage second is from when Jake and Meredith first met. This may answer LoverGreys question. When you met someone and you fall in love that love never really dies I know from experience. Lol no matter how bad they break you, you will always love them. _**

**_Any ways thank you everyone who reviewed, followed, and favorited this story._**

**_i hope you all enjoy this chapter. _**

**_And be kind and rewind... I mean review lol thank you. _**

* * *

_I sat by the fire place down in the living room. He would be coming home soon. He didn't remember me. At all. Derek called and told me to get the house ready for him. He would be here tomorrow. And he wouldn't remember me. I looked at the glass of warm red wine in my hand. I never really liked wine, but I was all out of the good stuff. I brought it to my lips, savoring the warmth in my mouth. New York winters were killer._

_The apartment door flew open, but I didn't bother to see who it was. I was enjoying this too much. "Mer, we need to go get Jake's stuff." The sadden voice of Christina rang throughout the room. I guess I had no choice. I stood up from the ground. I haven't seen him since the first day. He had been there a week. Derek said he was better, he just didn't talk about anything. Just his needs. He never asked for me._

_"Has Dr. McDreamy called you today?" Christina asked as I reached door. She had this horrible pet name for him, she felt that he had a thing for me. But she was crazy._

_"No DEREK," I emphasized his name. "Hasn't called me since last night." He called telling me to get a room ready for Jake and to prepare for a slow recovery._

_"Oh, does McDreamy turn in to McSexy over the phone at night." She let loose a laugh with her statement. I rolled my eyes back as we walked through the door. It was such a nice day outside, it was all soon to be wasted in a horrid hospital. "Alright let's go. Wanna grab a coffee from that place off of twelfth?" She could see my sadness in my eyes. Today was going to be hard._

* * *

"He really is a McAsshole. I think I know what would cheer you up." Christina responded to me as I told her the event of the passed night. She ensured me I was not in the wrong, but called me a fool for not sleeping with a surgeon like Sloan. "A real nice bloody trauma." She spoke with excitement laced in her voice. She was more excited about that than me. "Some idiot is bound to roll in here with blood gushing out and bones popping out." I smiled she was only trying to help. "Cutting helps. Just feeling the 10 blade in your hands can give you a rush. Come on!" She yanked on my wrist and headed toward the elevators. "Down to the pit we go!" She said in an almost sing-song like voice.

"What if its a nuro trauma?" I asked which was a huge possibility and that would mean seeing Derek. She looked at me with a huge smile as she placed her feet in the elevator.

"I'll take it!" She was too happy. She must have known something I didn't. I hopped on the lift after her. Her index finger pushed the ground floor button and the doors began to shut.

"Wait!" A voice called as the doors were almost closed. An arm suddenly made the doors part like the Red Sea. "Thanks." Said a voice I was trying to avoid. Derek entered in to the elevator acting as if everything was fine and dandy. I tried to slip past him and try and take the stairs. He wouldn't allow that. He blocked the doors out of this hell hole. Christina pulled me back, I was ready to give him an earful. That's was until he spoke. "There's a head trauma coming in. A stake was shoved though the parietal and down though to the temporal. Yet he's still able to hear and conduct a conversation. Would you like to join me on this case Dr. Grey?" I was stunned he was even asking me after last night. I didn't know what to say! "Dr. Grey?" He asked once again after I didn't answer.

"Yes Sir. I would love to join in this case." Yang slapped my shoulder, and gave me the look like what the hell are you doing? And I really didn't know how to answer. I just shrugged back. He looked back at me with a smile plastered on his face.

"Great. He is in trauma room three," the doors opened to the freedom that I had giving away for an amazing cases. "Let's go." I followed him out the door leaving Christina behind. This is what I needed. I needed some amazing cases that would make me forget about what happened between Derek and I. I would have preferred if it had not been with the man I was trying to forget, but hey how many times am I going to see something like this? The blinds were shut as we approached the room a woman was standing facing the sheltered window desperately trying to see who ever belonged to her. Her sobs were quite loud, they could be heard from a mile away. This must have been someone very important to her. Dr. Shepard pushed open the door and greeted the patient. He was sitting up right with the top of the what looked like a a metal construction stake poking out from the top of his head and down to his ear. It was just millimeters from his jugular vein. "This is Dr. Meredith Grey. She is the best doctor around, well of course after me," Derek said in a joking matter. "and she is going to help you get all fixed up." I smile at the young man he must have been in his early 20's he was very handsome and built. He didn't seem like the type to be having a stake shoved though his head. "Let's get him some more morphine and a head CT. Grey book me an O.R. and alert the Girlfriend of what we will be doing." I nodded and headed out to preform my duties that were asked of me.

* * *

_"You really are beautiful. I'm not saying that cause I'm drunk. I mean that. I've never seen someone who had this look about them... This classic look. Like you aren't from this time era of freaks." I looked at the man in front of me. I had never seen him until tonight. He was very handsome, his brown hair was a little shaggy and wild curls were all over the place. His stunning green eyes, which seemed to have a fog glazed over them from intoxication, were just drawing me in. He had a very strong jaw line and amazing cheek bones. He was just breath taking._

_"Thanks." I smile at him from the drunken complement. "You are very sweet. Let me get you a drink." He smiled at me as he place his hand over mine, which rested on the small bar._

_"How about I give you my card," he pulled one out of his coats front pocket. "And I'll go get you a one, as long as you promise me a date." So now in his drunk haze, I was an amazing blurry beauty, who he need to date. Haha this was too funny._

_I nodded at his demand. What could it hurt? "Sure. I'll let you take me out on a date." He handed me his card. I looked down to find his name. Jake A. Rodgers. What a nice name. He didn't work for a company or anything, we were both too young for that. The only thing on the car was his Name and Number._

_"How do you know Macy?" I asked since this was her house party. It was weird meeting someone I had never seen before. Our school was so small everyone knew everyone._

_"I don't!" He laughed. "My friend Drew invited me. In fact I think she brought, so she could get laid." He let another laughter float out. "But she's out of luck. I've found Someone better!" I looked at him with disgust. We just met any he really though we would fuck? I smiled at him and started to walk away. "Wait!" he hollered as he reached for my wrist. "I didn't mean it like that! I don't want to have sex with you! Wait that's worst, Mean I do just not yet! I mean we just Said hello I think it's a little soon for that..." I ended his rambling with a soft kiss on his lips._

_"I'll call you soon okay?" I spoke as we pulled away. He leaned in for one more kiss, he was soft and sweet. One of the best first kiss I have ever had._

_"I hope you do Meredith. I'll be waiting." He didn't let go of me as he stared down at me. In all truth I really didn't want him too. It was a nice change being spontaneous, I mean its just high school I should have a little fun. I deserve to have some fun, with a nice guy. He still had a grip on me and I did on him as well. Before I knew it, we were once again kissing. His left hand was creasing my cheek as his right held my back, pressing me closer to him. My hands wound up in his unruly mess of curls, it was the most magical kiss I had ever had. Better then the first pecks we had just had. It slowly intensified as his tongue slipped in my mouth, his hand began to wonder down my body. Then this magical moment was abruptly ended by a screech._

_"Jake! What are you doing!" A young laid marched up to him. "We need to leave. NOW." He pulled his hands off of me and drug him away._

_"I'll call you Mer." He hollered a he pulled though the door frame by who had to be Drew. I smile, I was actually having fun. Maybe this was a great mistake._

* * *

I wondered how that woman felt right now. Well I knew quite well. Right when Jake was first diagnosed, I could replay only our happy memories though my head. How we first met, our first date, when he first said I love you, when he asked me to marry him, our wedding day. All the best times played though my mind. That is what was happening to her too. I stayed with her while we waited for the results of the C.T. She was worried out of her mind, trying to settle herself she told me of all their plans for the future. He wanted to get married but she just couldn't do it not after he had seen her parents marriage go up in flames. She regretted not doing it now. I felt for her, I was her not that long ago. Just listening to her made every memory of Jake rush back. I had love him so much that it hurt me. It broke me apart, I was nothing now because of him. Nothing but broken bits an wasted pieces. I hoped with all my might that we could save this man, that we could save this woman from everything I went though. We had to save them.

I turned my head as I heard the squeak of sneakers approaching. There was Derek, he was holding a manila folder under his arm. "Ma'am," he addressed her, since he never bothered to ask for her name.

"Please, call me Gracie." She corrected him.

"Okay Gracie, well Marcus is a walking, talking medical miracle. Now we have two options here to make him like his old self." He proceed on making sure her full attention was on him. "We can remove the stake from his brain, or we can leave it. Both pose serious risk and complications. If we remove it, he could bleed out, lose all hearing and speech, he could stroke out, he could die on the table, an if all of these don't occur, there is always a risk of infection after the operation. If we leave it, it could shift, causing all of the problems I've already listed, and tear his jugular and cause him to bleed out, or it could contract and infection cause permanent brain damage or even death." He did not continue on. Gracie was doing everything to hold her emotions in. "I'm going to do my best to keep him alive and how he was. No matter what you choose I will make sure he has the best possible out come there is." He placed a hand on her shoulder in an attempt to comfort her. "All you do is make a choice-"

"What if I choose wrong and he dies?! Then what Dr. Shepard!? He doesn't have any family! I'm all he has! You have to help pick what right! I don't know what to do!" She threw her hands up in distress. She was clue less just as I was. I had to help her.

"You need to think. Can you live with him always having the risk of shifting the stake and dying? Or just loosening speech and hearing? He will still have sight, if we pull it straight out, and the small risk that he does loose those sense, he can always sign. So you just have to choose the lesser of the two evils. And with doctor Shepard, his outcomes are always success. He is the best in the country, what ever you do choose he will make sure he lives." She looked at me. She knew I had been there before. She stared at the ground, Contemplating which she could handle.

"Do it." She said with out her focus leaving the ground. "Pull it out. Give me back my Marcus." Derek gave her shoulder a quick squeeze.

"I'll do everything in my power." We both stood up and walked toward the elevator. It was time to save both if them. "Are you ready for this?" He asked as we made our way though.

"Why would I not be?" I asked in a snarky tone. Why would he even worry about my emotional state.

"I don't want you to stab me with a scalpel in there" he said with a grin on his face. I let loose a laugh at his statement.

"No promises." I smiled at him. He gave me a worried look.

"Do I need to alert the chief that you are premeditating my murder?" He looked down at me with the same goofy grin that was in his face just seconds ago.

"Nope, he would be on my side any ways." I returned his goofy grin as we approached the elevator.

"But really Mer, are you okay? I know this might be hard for you." Of course, it hard for me, but I would never admit that to him.

"No I'm fine, I'd be even better if you didn't ask me if I'm okay." He looked down at me his grin was gone and it was replaced with a look of concern.

"Mer, I just want to make sure you're fine. I don't want-" I cut him off.

"If you don't want me in your OR please just say it. Don't go in a screw ball way around it making sure my emotions are in check. I'm not crying, I'm not throwing things, I'm not planning to murder anyone, or set the building on fire. I'm perfectly fine, but if you think you made a mistake letting me in on this case, which to jog your memory you invited me to join, just say it." He looked at a little stunned by my rambling I guess. My very, for once truthful, long rant.

"No, that's not it Mer, I just don't want you to get attached to this case. I saw how you were with the wife. You were her not long ago. I don't want you just to...to lose yourself in this case. You need to keep a little distance with your emotions and this case okay that all." I nodded as the elevator opened.

"Don't worry about it. I already learned my lesson." I steeped on the elevator him following behind. "I learned that no emotions belong in the work place, with patients and co-workers." I said that last bit out of anger at him. He always knew how to get me on edge. He was like a little yuppie dog. It barks and barks and barks, making you just want to put it down, but it never bites. It just know how to piss you off.

"I'm glad you got smart, before you get hurt again." He stared straight forward at the doors. It seemed like he was willing them to open. Before I knew it we were on the fifth floor. It was time to save Marcus' life. "You know what Mer, how about you don't scrub in. Just observe." I didn't respond. "That way you can update the girlfriend... What her name Gigi?"

"Gracie. Her name is Gracie. And that's great, updating the person in the waiting is one of the most important things." He didn't answer me. He just walked forward, as did I. We soon reached or three and went in. Well this was just going to be fantastic.


	10. Chapter 10

You don't understand what love can do to you. Not until you had it and loose it. It shows how it can make, shake you, and damn near break you apart. Watching Gracie unfold was once of the worst images I have ever seen, it will always be burnt in my mind. Tears were running down her face like raindrops in a hurricane. Her hands were wrapped around the arms of the chair bracing herself, trying not to fall out of her chair. Her head was hanging low, forcing her long auburn lock to fall in her face. Her body was shaking from all if the sadness that spread throughout her. Apart of her was dying, it was the worst feeling in the world. "Marcus! I need to see him!" She hollered, though her sobs, her voice was so shaken you could barely understand her. I placed my hand on hers in efforts so clam her down. That was the biggest mistake of my life. "You little liar! You said he would be fine! You said he was the best! You lied to me and now he's dead!" She shot out of her chair, "Your gonna pay! We didn't have a chance to live our life and now you killed him! You just wait, your next!" She said pointing a finger at me. Before I knew it Derek was between us.

"Gracie you need to calm down this has nothing to do with her. The Stake was removed and he was fine once we were stitching him back up an aneurism we did not catch exploded. He was gone before I could even begin to cut him open again. He didn't feel a thing. He went peacefully just like he would have wanted. Now it's going to be okay. You just need to call family and tell them what happened okay?" He said looking passionately at her. He wanted her threats to stop just as much as I did.

"I love him so much..." She trailed on, "Now what am I to do..." She sat back down as I began to walk off with doctor Shepard. She needed help. Help we couldn't give.

"You okay Mer? That got kinda intense, I mean with the whole death threat thing." He said placing a hand on the small of my back. For a split second I loves the feeling. It felt natural, it felt perfect, then I remembered what he said. I slithered away from his hand.

"Don't worry about me. I'm fine." I walked at a faster pace trying I get away from him. I made a sharp corner heading for the pit. I needed a bloody trauma with no Nuro involvement. I was almost home free when a hand wrapped around my wrist.

"I have to worry about you! It's my duty as your boss to see to it that you are emotional stable to be in an OR-"

"Cut the crap." I interrupted his bullshit. "You and I both know that, that's not why your worried. Whatever you have to go do, you do it, but please just try and let me be alone. I don't need you following me around everywhere 24/7 making sure I'm okay, because I am." I started walking again, he didn't follow me. I was finally alone.

* * *

_I played with the hymn of my skirt waiting for him to show up. Like a dumbass I had caved and called Jake. He invited me to go to the movie with him, but he was already fifteen minutes late. I was leaving against the brick wall that held the foundation of the building. He wasn't coming. This was all a mistake. I pushed myself off the wall and made my way to the glass doors that were marked the entrance. I had already paid for my freaking ticket and I wasn't about to waist my money. My hand had hand had just landed on the handle of the door, then a loud voice called for me. _

_"Hey sorry I'm so late. My brother was having an episode. I couldn't get away. I'm sorry Mer." He grabbed my other hand that was down by my side. I released my grip on the door, and walked back to the box office with him. _

_"Is your brother okay?" I asked not sure what he meant by episode. His hand was still wrapped around mine. _

_"Yeah. He's just special. He has to have more attention for the most part. Or things happen like tonight. He didn't understand I would be coming back. He thought I was leaving him, he had a totally melt down. I just had to stay with him until he fell asleep." He stated it as if it was a common practice. _

_"How old is he?" If he was acting like that he must have been the youngest out of the bunch. _

_"He'll be 23 come may." He said as he handed the cashier his money. "Yeah, I know, he has some type of retardation, with other stuff. We really don't know. We just know he's not all there and we just have to cope with it." His hand fell from mine as he went in to further detail of his brothers situation. "It like just having a seven year old with a horrible temper. You know in the book Of Mice And Men," I nodded in response. "He's like Lennie. He's huge and strong, almost uncontrollable when he gets upset. He's just so big and strong. You almost can't settle him." He opened the glass door halting the conversation, he motion for me to enter in, and followed behind me. "How about we talk about something else?" He said we we had entered in the the lobby of the theater. His hand found it way back into mine. "Like what the hell are we seeing?" He said with a lighthearted laugh. _

_"It's about this dude a falls in love with this girl, who's his best friend, but she doesn't realize it until her wedding day." He looked as if he was going to throw up from my sad summery of this fantastically reviewed movie. "It looked kinda funny." He smiled down at me. _

_"It looks like sad chick flick." He stated matter of factly. _

_"Well next time, if you come on time, then you an pick the movie." I said with a smile, letting him know it was nothing but a joke._

_"Well lets see if I even want a next time..." He said with a trace of sarcasm laced in his voice. _

_"Oh, you just wait. This is gonna be the best date of your life." I pulled him toward out theater and gave the man at the podium my ticket, and he retuned my stub to me. Jake was soon behind me as we walked to find the best seat. The movie was packed, we shuffled our way up the stairs an to the top row. We plopped down in the Aisle seat leaving two seats between the people next to us. _

_"This better make me laugh." He said with a smile. "Or I'm making you reimburse me for my ticket and time." His hand was still wrappers around mine, giving me a tingling sensation. _

_I smiled back at him, "Trust me, you'll have fun."_

_The movie had ended and we were warped up in each other, the armrest that separated us had somehow disappeared, and I was resting on his shoulder. "Did you have fun?" I asked as the people around us began to disembark from their seats and down the aisles. _

_"You were right." He placed a soft kiss on my forehead. "Best date of my life." He pulled me in a little tighter. His head resting upon mine. I could feel him take a deep inhale, "You're intoxicating." I looked up at him. The theater was now cleared out. "I want to kiss you." He spoke in a whisper, his breath warm breath hitting my ear made shivers run up my spine. _

_I looked at him again, before I knew it his lips were in mine once more. It was just like the night of the party. I felt like I was on top of the world. He was meant for me. I had never felt like this for any guy before. This feeling was new. And I loved it. _

_I felt a vibration in my pocket, that must have been my mother calling. I pulled away from him, in regret only came flooding in from ending that wonderful moment of bliss. "I need to go. I'm late already and my mom is going to murder me." I stood up out of my seat. "I'll call you tonight." I ran down the stairs and out of the movie house and to my car. I was going to be in huge trouble. _

* * *

Christina was running toward me with a huge smile on her face. "I'm going to be doing piggy back!" She squealed as she reached me. "You have to come watch me! I'm going to be in OR 5 at six o'clock tonight!" I smiled at her, she already knew something was wrong. "What happen?" Her face fell with the question.

"He died." I said with great sadness. I fine with Derek's decisions to be an asshole, but Marcus dying is what go to me.

"You mean talking medical history. You killed it?" She asked with surprise.

"No Derek did. He kicked me out, to update this wife." I took a deep sigh. "Now she wants me dead, and he just acts like I'm a ticking time bomb." She looked at me with great pity.

"Well you kinda are one.." I slapped her shoulder. "I mean your whore for a husband is dead and you fell for his slutty doctor. You just can seem to catch a break kid." We reached the nurses station and Christina grabbed her chart. "I think you were right when I first met you. You are always just shit out of luck." She started to walk away.

"Like you have it any better!" I yelled after her. She was really just as screwed up as I was.

"Grey!" I heard a voice I didn't want to hear for along time. I started to dart off but the voice caught me before I could get away. "Hey, we never finished our fun." I turned and it was Mark Sloan. The man I was using to get over Derek.

"What a shame I would have blown you away." I said as I attempted to walk away. He still had me blocked in.

"I know. How about we pick up where we left of last night?" He said in a seduceive voice.

"Do you have a thing for woman Derek Shepard has slept with?" I asked in an impatient tone. Hoping that would make him move.

"Only the hot ones" he said with a smirk. I rolled my eyes at his idiotcracy. "No I don't have a thing for his woman. He just gets to you all before I can." He laughed at himself. Typical plastic surgeon, always so full of themselves. I tried to move again but he still had me cornered. "There's an on call room fifteen feet away. It's got a real nice bed." I stopped him by placing a hand on his chest.

"If I say yes will you move."

"No, I'll move with you." He said with the same smart ass smirk. I gave him a look that could kill."If you won't sleep with me, at least let me have one more kiss?" He asked as if he was the innocent party in the conversation.

"Fine." I said folding my arms across my chest in surrender. "Go ahead." I said waiting to become the next subject of gossip here.

"Whoa Grey, not now! How about I take you out to dinner tonight?" His smirk was gone, it was replaced with a genuine smile. It was actually quite handsome.

"I can't I'm on call, and I'm taking my lunch break to watch Christina do her Piggy back at six." I said with sadness laced in my voice. It would have been nice to have a real sit down dinner, not some bar or cold pizza.

"That's great what OR?" I looked at him strange. It was strange that this rejection I had just delivered to him, had made him smile and say that it's great.

"Um...OR five." I still couldn't believe his excitement.

"Okay I'll be there at six." He smiled at me an walked off. I had no idea what he was planning. I am not the one for surprises, but what ever he was doing I'm sure it would be nice. Started heading to the pit, as was my plan since I had left the OR an hour ago. I raised my eyes from the ground, a smile was still on my face from what ever Mark was planning. The smile didn't last long. Standing in the door way to an empty exam room was Derek. His face was fallen. His eyes were locked on mine I continued to walk towards the double doors that lead to my safe haven of the pit. As I passed the room where he stood, his hand reached out for me.

"Mer, what are you doing." His voice was coved with pity and sadness.

"It doesn't matter what I'm doing. Go ask you wife how she is. I think that's a little more important than little ol' me." I walked off again he was closely trailing behind me asking why was I talking to his best friend. We should cut all ties to each other. It's still not okay to be attracted to his best friend. I couldn't take it any more, I was just steps to a place full of sad, sick, and dying people, and he was ruining it for me. I stopped right before I entered in to the the metal framed doubled doors that acted as the gets in to heaven. I abruptly stopped turning on my heal, causing Derek to almost run in to me. I took a deep breath and told him how it was.

"Look bud, you may not like it, but Mark asked me out on a date. Get over it. I've been trying to move on all day and you jut keep popping up like a freaking stalker. You need to quit worrying about me and how I'm feeling. That doesn't concern you any more. We have no relationships anymore. We are just co-existing at work right now. Got it. I love Nuro but I can not work under you. You need to start focusing on your wife and how you are going to sleep in the bed both of you made. Now if you would be so kind to leave me alone. I need to go cut someone up and maybe save a life. And I would be ever so grateful if you would leave me the hell alone from now on. If I need help I'll contact you. Got it?" His expression of sadness was still written all over his face. He knew I was totally and completely right. And he couldn't handle it.

"Okay. I'm done then. I'm sorry, I broke you." I looked at him as if he were nuts.

"You're kidding right? You did nothing. Don't even give yourself the thought that you broke me. I was in pieces long before you met me. And you were tape that sort put me back together. And now I've maybe found something even better. Glue. I think I may have found glue who can hold me together just awhile." I took in another breath. "No. You didn't break me. You just started the process of healing."

"Mer-" I placed my pointer finger in his chest, taking him aback, causing him to stop talking.

"Don't call me that." He looked worst then he was before. "Please don't even call me at all unless you have a some once in a lifetime case. Got it?" I turned heading to the placed I had been attempting to go since this morning. My hands were on handle of the door handle, almost in the most magical place on earth, then his hand was on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he said, I refused to turn around. I did not wasn't to see his face. "I was very wrong. Please forgive me. Mer... I just- I just need to be you friend. I have been with you since Jake-" I shrugged off his hand.

"No Christina was there. You just wanted to take advantage of a woman with a dying husband." I pushed though the doors, half expecting him to follow me. I walked to the main desk, surprised no voice was calling me or some hand pulling me to them. I approached the desk that was covered with charts, and was shocked to see George sleeping on the desk. I walked behind the tall covering of the desk, and gently shook him awake. His hair was a mess, and his eyes were barely opening.

"George, are you okay?" He looked up at me as if I had tried to kill him.

"No." He answered like a grumpy child. "I've had a total of four hours of sleep since yesterday." I rested my hand in his shoulder. He really did have it rough. He was the underdog of our year, and every resident and attending was making him work for his spot. "And I finally got some scut to do, and I keep falling asleep." I looked at him with sympathy.

"Go find an on call room." I said as he looked at me with anger. "Or an empty gurney." He stood up with his stack of charts and made it out of here to find a nice warm bed. How I'd hate to be him today.

* * *

_"Meredith!" My mothers voice called from the kitchen, I was in deep shit. "Get your ass in her now!" She was going to kill me. I was an hour passed curfew, and she was drunk. Like always. I walked in to the kitchen, anticipating a screaming match from her. "Where have you been?! I have been waiting for you! For an hour! How was I Supposed to know that you were even still alive!" _

_"Mom, I told you was on a date. We talked about it already." She looked at as a reverend would a sinner. _

_"So now your out gallivanting around having sex with who know! Before I know you're going to show up pregnant and ruin your life!" She yelled as she threw her hands up. This was bad, her glass of vodka rested on the edge of the kitchen island. I walked over to it moving it before she knocked it down. As picked up her glass she scolded me. "Now you just a drunken, soon to be pregnant, whore!" I did not raise you to be this! If you want to act like this, you better get out of my house!" She downed the rest of her drink, "I'm going back to the hospital." She spoke as she walked out the back door, and down the to garage. Well at least I won't have to worry about any more yelling. I looked down at her empty glass, the bottle of Grey Goose was right to the left of it. I picked it up, and examined my options. I could, just have a few sips. An relax, or I could call someone and just drown myself. _

_"Hey, Gina! Get over here! My mom just left and the liquor is open." I spoke in to my phone. Gina, was also a child from a family of surgeons. We normally had a drinking session once a week. And this week it was my turn to host It. _

_"Okay I'll be right there! And I just got a new bottle of captain Morgan " she spoke with pure excitement. We were gonna have fun._

_"So it Mom found out that Dad had been sleeping with his scrub nurse, Denise." She spoke after she took a gulp drink. "You should have seen it when they walked into the house. He actually brought her home! Like what was he thinking! I mean, who takes there whore in their house! At Least be a gentleman about it! But any ways I was with Louis and we were just editing our video for film and he bust in with her hanging off of him in total make out. Louis has no ideas was to do he is freakin out." She laughed though the statements of her story a if it was a normal day to day thing that occurred. She downed the rest of her drink making a face as she reached the bottom. "So you know me. I walk up to them and clear my throat, and they stop and look at me. I say in such a sweet little voice, Daddy that's not mom. He looked like a deer caught in head lights. He pulled out his wallet and gave it to me, he said for me and my friend to get out an have some fun. So we did, and when I came back mom was on the couch holding Denise's panties, waiting for dad to come down stairs. They were still up there. We could actually hear them. It was disgusting. I finally was the one who went up there." I looked at her imagining the horrifying seen she had been apart of. At least Ellis wasn't that bad. _

_ "You had to go up there?" I said taking a bug gulp of my coke and rum. "Like you saw it? Why would you submit yourself to that?" I asked I wouldn't know what to do. Thank goodness her and dad already called it quits. _

_ "I'm not like my mom. I couldn't sit back and listen to him. So I knocked down the door and called her a whore and told her to get the fuck out. She pulled the whole you can't talk to me like that young lady thing. And I said, I can say what ever the hell I want. You and my father won't be having jobs tomorrow. Just wait and see. When Chief Grey hears about you two, you just wait. They were shocked. And I threw in for good measure. Mom came home about and hour ago. I'm sure she called and told her best friend all about it already. I walked out and down the stairs, and sat with mom. I held her hand. For a little bit, then they started back up agin. They knew we were here, that's when my mom went up there. He knew we were down there but he went on anyways. It was just disgusting. I can't believe he's my dad! Like how did mom even fall for that!" Gina stood up and walked over the cabinet, she pulled out a bottle of merlot. She had always loved wine, I was never really one for it. She walked back to the couch and plopped down. Instead of grabbing a glass she just pulled the cork out and took a swig. "Want some?" She asked as she pointed it to me. I don't pass up free liquor. I took a huge gulp. I was already drunk, as was she, but we did stop until we were passed out. _

_ "How's Ellis any ways," asked Gina "I haven't seen her in almost a week. I know she's as crazy as ever, since webber transferred to Mass Gen, but I mean is she still as cold as before?" Gina knew all about my mothers history. She knew that everything, all the fights, how I wasn't a good enough daughter for her. _

_ "She's like whiskey, she only get bitter with time." I took another swig. "And it's gotten worst with Webber here. I mean whatever she in love with a married man. It won't ever be okay, and he's never going to leave her. So my mom is really just fucked over. But it's her choice. Whatever she does, she does." I took an attempt at standing up, and fell back down Miserably. "I need to go to bed." I tried again making it up this time, "Lets go." I said as I ran up the stairs to my room. I threw myself on the bed. Gina was right behind me. _

_ "I need to go home." She spoke, but she lived liked a mile a away and she couldn't drive. _

_ "Nope, sleep." She fell on the bed obeying my request. _

_ "Fine, only because I don't want to go back to the fighting." She rolled over facing the wall. _

_ Yeah sure that was the reason._


	11. Chapter 11 important notice

**Hey guys I have a notice for this story. **

**Im taking Long break. No beauce of those nasty reviews from that spineless, gutless, dinglaling. But just a lack of passion in writing. I have to start studying much more before I can even think if writing again. And my premed class are going to kill me. **

**So I will be back. But It won't befor along while. **

**Thanks! Love y'all **


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